zig-zaggy free

it is hard not being able to write original stories
the sequences seem easy and the plotholes
seemingly vanquished after plot-drafts and
character equations; yet the anima or animus of it all
a description, a synopsis or synopses evade me or to
sound witty my synapses; that may seem strange and pathetic
but a truth may not be our idyl of grand. Truth can be humourous
or self-humourous; the teasing of self or the teasing out. Curiouser
and Curiouser, the rabbit hole gets filled with mud and the tea-party
with rock salt and I wondering if writing this poem will allow me
to write a story. Would this free-writing enough? Have to se…▬

ennui-tonic

this import of aggression that ennui had made
worsted and winnowed into a fine parable
that only I can share; I who hold the bones
and the crosshairs of my skeletal affixations

this tire which is smoothened and crinkled by the night
whose gaze is not a penetration by a clitoral malady
and not a sufficeless prefix that pretends to bode well

there is a feeling, as I said in the last verse, an endless beginning
or a ending without any beginning. I am obsessed with ennui and boredom
because I do not know if life was an egg for me or already a chicken
whose paleontology I studied in some slaughterhouse on some heap
and made up crude names for its near-extinction. Yes, near extinction…

for we have domesticated life and the simulacra of domestication continues
you may say I too sometimes become manifestation of such a domestication
where culture restricts my sex to either so-called modesty or so-called openness

for the Venus De Milo is a nude without arms  and the Mona Lisa is always a
guesswork in progress. Caught between the Madonna and the Whore of Old
wondering which path I can take and knowing so forging my own takes more courage
it takes a certain kind of loyalty which is civil disobedience but there is Walden I can

retreat to feeling that there would be no taxation upon my sex and gender; even if I bide as a conscious gynandrous of sorts. I do not like to be bound as bondage portraits nor fixed as a saint. I want a messy me; getting tired of being a pendulous predictable.▬

Wind kept

A poem of self

Everything I Never Told You

I am not she.
The view is not the same
I sit by roses but don’t
see the thorns
Even after all these years
still full of the blush
of wonder

My air is warm-fragrant
My heart speaks of
watercolor nights and
a breathless yearning

I’m wild for you but not
afflicted. I recite charms
through verse and song
by a bending light

I speak in sunlight even
when the cumuli
starts to gather. Lying
face down in the grass.
Hope imprinted on my cheek,

My heart bkeeds in syntax.
Just a gleaming of my
streaming soul. Writing what
touches me best.
Love. Fear. Happenstance.
A trembling mind.

The punctuation peppered
with sea salt and caramel.

I steadfastly sit by the ocean
as the boats drift away.
I chose to contend with the
wind. Making a symphony
with the air.

Chopin playing on against
the elements and tide.
Never just…

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solace temporary; torture temporary

bits and pieces of raggedy bone
that is the slimming of my patience
reading other poets online to be inspired
as I am exasperated, weight gain and the logic of dieting
it infuriates me; not due to non-participation, I need exercise
yet a lush-and vivid life too; to call my own
this ennui blinks and I am tundra or desert or something of barking sap
madness of impatience winning, I am no race winner. I came second place once
in Year 2, Class 2, I have the silver, white ribboned medallion. I loved running and still do
I love feeling the orbit of the earth on my soles: I have to learn to romanticise treadmills
as sexist bitches and sexist tropes don’t allow me the run I need to feel the axis of my heels
know the axis of the planet. I so want to be a projectile, yet they narrow me to mechanics
objectification of body fitness. I am just angry. Why can’t things be my way for once? God,
why do I always beg? Please give me something as you recently did. I need this. I need to run
in open spaces. For now, only for now, I will also do this liminal walking. Only because I love running
but this is a compromise temporary. I will weave my wings back somehow — God, you have to let me.▬

a sort of dream imagery practice

edging out into convoluting fragments; eclipsing dust settles
the dream is a random wolf searching for its pack
it’s collection of fur; it slaughters nightmare wendigos
in this dream sitting in haunches looking at rabbits
and deers that make the mosaic of the palette
hungering is an option we all are baptised in
how we satiate divides and coalesces — my eyes are thickening like claws
and my mouth are fangs but also a herbivore’s girdle
what of the flowers who watch and match in the intensity of me
they record and they are also me
secretly they entice deathmatches; true gladiators of desire.▬

A Few Quick Thoughts About Triggers That Trigger

I think triggers are understandable like this. We must be communicative and forgive when we can. There are many mean people but there are always going to people who would actually want to discuss their mental health with you. The only way to try to go about it is be patient. Give the person a chance. I think I would try to do that. I love how this article shows that people may not intentionally try to hurt you. They may genuinely feel confused and not know how to respond.

The Belle Jar

One thing that doesn’t seem to get a lot of discussion is what happens and what we can do when two equal and opposing triggers meet.

We tend to often talk about a lot of triggers as if they are are universal and objective and, thus, avoidable by things like trigger warnings. But while it’s true that some things are widely understood to require trigger warnings – eating disorders, for example, or sexual assault, or violent scenes – the truth is that triggers are based on our own personal experiences and traumas. Some traumas (and therefore triggers) are more commonly shared than others – like the things listed above – but some are a bit more niche. And many people (myself included) don’t always know what’s going to trigger them until that train has more than left the station, which can obviously make dodging triggers a bit tricky.

But what I’d…

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